Hi Fiya,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling under the weather emotionally lately. I heard among many things, you are grieving and it has affected your perception of yourself. I know you’ve been struggling for a while now. Two years ago, you had to move out from your home of 11 years while at the same time when your dad fell ill and you had to take the role of being caretaker and primary breadwinner of the family almost overnight. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult and confusing it is for you to go through so many major changes in your life almost all at once.
Recently, you just lost your dad and grandmother within a span of fewer than three months apart — both had been the centre of most of your days for the past two years. Again, I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose one person, let alone two. Not to mention, in addition to the collective grief we are experiencing around the world right now. The world is currently suffering and in chaos, too. We’re all surrounded by fears, panic and all kinds of anxiety. It makes you feel like you are confined in a very narrow and limited space with a minimum real human connection.
To which I know, in between or during your personal life shifts, you got reconnected with a person whom you shared intimacy for many years before. He embodied, to a certain extent, a home for you. In the midst of all chaos, you seek that sense of familiarity and you found it in him. It is very sweet while it lasted but unfortunately, both of you are no longer sharing mutual feelings, perspectives and values. And when you understood that, it breaks you even more into the tiniest little pieces. It took the last remaining part of you and you felt awful. I’m truly sorry you had to feel this way.
It is a human reaction when you cannot help but feel worthless, insecure, and even more confused with all of the emotions you are feeling right now. You said you feel incredibly lonely, too. But I want you to know that I love you. I love you. I love you. You are not alone. You have a group of close friends and family who love you regardless, despite, and in spite of everything. I know it is hard to understand at this point and you’d want to just shrug it off but, you are worthy of love. You are an intelligent, attractive woman. I look up to you for many reasons: being able to support your family on your own, you have great taste in music, in art, in style, and also: you’re one hell of a writer.
I want to tell you, too, that it is absolutely normal to feel confused or everything that you are feeling now. It only shows that you are a human. You are not supposed to be one thing, or just feel one way. We’re all complex beings. We’re not one-dimensional. You are also not defined by things that have happened to you. You are much more than your grief, your sadness, your guilt, your shame. It can feel very daunting at most times but I want you to remember when you can, that I’ve got you. So you can worry less. I love you and I’ll always try to show up and be there for you even when you forget.
Sincerely,
A
